Journal 9 Text in context essay

Primary text: glee “duets” episode

Secondary text: “how to watch your brother die” Michael Lassell

-       Both are dealing with homosexuality in society

-       In Lassell’s poem, the narrator’s brother is gay and is dying. The narrator neglected his brother for years because he was not comfortable with the fact that he was gay. Then in the very last days of his brother’s life, the narrator comes back and tries to be there for him. He tries to bring him medicine and the reader sees how sad that narrator is that he is loosing his brother. The reader sees a flip in the narrators’ personality and views of gay people. At first, he is completely against them and thinks that it is wrong to be gay so he cuts his own brother out of his life. Then, the reader sees the narrator trying to understand and comfort his dying brother’s partner. After, as his brother is dying, the reader sees how the narrator is sad and he, for example, gets mad at the priest. But finally at the end of the poem, it is clear that the narrator is still against gay people in society for he knows that his children will be raised “without challenge”

-       In the Glee episode, there is a new boy named Sam that comes into the Glee club. The assignment of the week is to perform duets with people within the club. A boy named Kirk, who is gay, wants to do his duet with the new guy Sam, but other people object to this. Kirk asks Sam to sing with him and he says yes, because he doesn’t know what else to say, but other people tell Kirk that it was not right of his to do so. The other people are trying to look after Sam and tell Kirk that by making his first appearance singing with Kirk on stage, people may get the wrong idea that Sam is also gay and they wouldn’t want him to start of with a bad reputation. The other people tell Kirk to be conscious this and not damper the new kids reputation, and it makes him really upset. He proceeds to tell Sam that he does not want to do the duet with him, rather he performs a duet by himself playing the part of a female and male making the statement that men can do anything that females can do no matter what society says.

-       The comparison between the poem and the TV show is that they both deal with homosexuality in society. My thesis will be developed as I begin to write my essay, but it will be something along the lines of how society perceives what is right from wrong and whom people should loved based on their sexual orientation. I think that these two texts will be good to use as a primary and as a secondary because they both have the same conflicts. 

Journal #8

Corrections

1.

Original sentence: In my University of Arizona entrance essay, the diction demonstrates the physical therapies that dance has provided me with.

Corrected sentence: In my University of Arizona entrance essay, the diction connotes that dance is a physical therapy to me.

-       The corrected sentence is better because it uses Diana Hacker’s advice to make your sentences as sharp and to the point that you can with the least amount of words.

2.

Original Sentence: Mentally, dance has assisted establish my identity.

Corrected Sentence: Dance has assisted in establishing my identity in a mental and emotional manner.

-       The corrected sentence is better because it eliminates starting the sentence off with a weak transition. Also, by moving the “mental” aspect to the end of the sentence it gives it a more bold emphasis since that it what the reader ends the sentence with

3.

Original Sentence: They were there for me every step of the way no matter the situation.

Corrected Sentence: This sentence can be eliminated completely.

-       A personal aspect of how dance team is so important to me personally does not need to be including in a person analysis, if my writing it powerful enough, the reader will know how important my team is to me.

4.

Original Sentence:  Learning how to deal with life’s obstacles, it has been there for me to go to, express my emotions though, and restore myself.

Corrected Sentence: Dance has been an activity that allows me to express my emotions through and restore myself.

-       The corrected sentence is better because it uses the rule to try and avoid starting a sentence with a prepositional phrase. It also eliminates the part of the sentence that is vague and does not need to be included

5.

Original Sentence: For example, a really high up beat song allows you to jump around with a smile from ear to ear and dance your happy heart out, or a slow song can have the power to make you distraught and cry.

Corrected Sentence: For example, a high upbeat song allows a full heart of joyous emotions where as a slow song is powerful enough to bring tears to your eyes.

-       This sentence starts off with a good transition that Dianna Hacker even suggests to use herself but it is too wordy. The new sentence takes out the words that make the sentence week and wordy

6.

Original Sentence: Any dancer can tell you that emotions conveyed from dance and the place within that they come from is unlike anything else

Corrected Sentence: Any dancer would say that emotions conveyed through choreography come from a deep place within the soul.

-       The new sentence is much less vague and takes you “can tell you”. Using pronouns within an essay is not the most powerful approach and should be avoided when possible. My essay is really heavy with the word “you” so by taking it out of this sentence it uses Hacker’s advice to replace pro nouns

7.

Original Sentence: This connotes a sense of dance as mental therapy because it has guided me though all of life’s complexities.

Corrected Sentence: Dance connotes a sense of mental therapy through the guidance of my life’s complexities.

-       Taking out the word “this” and “because” makes the sentence stronger. They are vague words and do not need to be included, and by doing so it makes the sentence less wordy.

8.

Original Sentence: Like therapy can be a struggle to mature through, my diction in my personal statement shows that my years of dance have been tedious work where thereby expresses therapy.

Corrected Sentence: Through diction, my many years of dance and the tedious work it requires has been a struggle to mature through as therapy would be.

-       The corrected sentence is much better because it is much less wordy and does not start off with a prepositional phrase. A lot of the mistakes in my essay have been being too lengthy and have had weak openings.

9.

Original Sentence: The relationships I have made through dance are ones that will last a lifetime and are there for me whenever I need to talk about anything.

Corrected Sentence: The relationships created though dancing are strong enough to last a lifetime.

-       The corrected sentence uses Hacker’s advice to take out as many be verbs as possible. It again shortens the sentence and makes it less wordy.            

10.

Original Sentence: In my personal statement to the University of Arizona, it is vivid thought my diction and syntax that dance has played a therapeutic role in creating my present being and will continue to chance my life everyday and every time I step into a dance studio.

Corrected Sentence: In my personal statement to the University of Arizona, the diction and syntax vividly show that dance has played a therapeutic role in my growth. Dance is a huge part of my life that will continue to change my life every time I step into a dance studio.

-       First of all, this sentence is way to long. That’s what I made it in to two parts.  By changing around the wording and using adverbs the sentence is shorter and better written then it was before. This sentence is the last sentence of my essay and I feel that by making it in 2 parts it ends on a more powerful note then it does with a extra long run- on sentence

From this journal and looking back on the first essay that I wrote this year I have noticed a lot about my writing. Mainly I have a tendency to be very wordy. Also in this essay, since it was personal and we were allowed to use the word “I” I took too much of an advantage of that. Pronouns weaken an argument and usually most things can be reworded so “I” is not included. I felt that from reading Hacker and applying what it said to previous sentences that I have wrote, I now know not to make the same mistakes again. I thought that this journal was a very helpful exercise by pulling out your own mistakes and correcting them gives you a chance to see what you did wrong and what not to do for next time. 

Journal #7

Reading Michael Lassell's poem How to Watch Your Brother Die saddened me. I thought it was a really deep and emotional poem about death but more about dealing with homosexuality. The poem starts off with the narrator going to visit his dying brother in the hospital and meeting his bother's lover. The narrator is obviously uncomfortable with the fact that his brother is gay and has a lover but tries to let it go for the sake of his death. He tries to comfort his dying brother's lover for the last hours of his brothers life but he still cannot completely connect and relate to what its like to feel love for another man. The narrator even says to the lover "I'm sorry. I don't know what it means to be the lover of another man." I think that the narrator tries really hard to be comfortable with homosexuality, but deep down he will never really be able to. The reason I feel this is because the narrator says to the lover "how can you stand it?" which shows emotion that he feels sad for the negative retaliation the lover gets for being gay. Also, when the funeral director says that "he will not embalm the body for fear of contamination" the narrator says "let him see in your eyes how much a man can hate another man" which shows that he is mad at the funeral director for "the fear of contamination" of his brothers homosexuality. These two quotes shows that he cares but the very last line of the poem contradicts this. It reads "how [his] children will feel in [his] arms, warm and friendly and without challenge. The worlds "without challenge" stand out boldly saying that people who are homosexual are challenge and he will be lucky to hold his kids whom he assumes wont be like that.
I see a relation in this poem to the glee episode that we watched in class. In glee, a gay guy named Kurt struggles with his sexuality. He is the only sexually open gay guy in his school and he comes across many challenges and troubles because of so. For the choir class, the singers have to pair up to sing duets. Kurt wants to sing with a new student who just came into the class but is told by his friends not to for the sake of the new kid's reputation. His friends don't want the new guy's first debut to be with a gay since not many people know him and they don't want him to come out making a bad first impression to everyone else. Kurt is hurt by this, but he understands that he is "different" so he himself chooses to not sing the duet with the new kid. Instead he does a duet singing the parts of both a man and a female role showing that it doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl. His statement is bold in defining that homosexuality does not define a person and men can like what women like as well.
The similarities between these two are the fact that people in our world today are not comfortable with homosexuality. They both show a discrimination for gay people having lovers or for liking someone as their same sex. I feel that this is unfair today and people should be able to love whoever they choose. I believe that love is not something that can be chosen, it is something that is set out there for you to find in your life time and whomever you find it with should not be judged.

Rhetorical Analysis, Jornal #6

The text that I chose for this journal to perform a rhetorical analysis on was the animal abuse commercial that was presented in class. I felt that this commercial best showed all three aspects of rhetorical analysis, logos, pathos, and ethos.

The purpose of this commercial was to warn and aware the watchers of the extent of the horrific amount of animal abuse in the world today. the authors intent in writing the commercial was to get people to donate to the fund and the shelters that help battered and abused animals. The author was very successful in doing so,  since all aspects of the commercial reached out to the viewers hearts making them want and feel the need to donate their money to help save innocent and hurt animals. In rhetorical analysis, the purpose of the text is to determine the success of the authors intention and appeal and the achievement of their purpose. This commercial really stood out and the author definitely achieved his purpose by using images of abused animals, sad music, and by getting a famous actress to support the cause.

The audience of this commercial was greatly appealed to. It was directed towards any aged viewer, but I'd say more specifically to the ones who are old enough to understand and make a contribution to the cause. All the aspects of this commercial captured the hearts of every viewer. The music made things stand out even more because of its emotional lyrics and slow background music. The images of all the hurt animals and they rescue crew trying to save them also gave the audience a chance to really see how bad animal abuse really is. No body likes to see an innocent creature being hurt, and by using the images and video clips of these poor animals, it automatically persuades the viewer to feel condolences towards these animals and pulls them in for their help and contribution. The actress in the commercial helps promote the cause as well. By having a well known celebrity promote the cause it influences the audience for their contributions as well.

The context of this commercial shapes the text to any audience viewing it. The way it is written stands out to people watching and is convincing to them to make a contribution. The script appeals to the emotional and tender hearted side of a person and makes them want to help a good cause. It is really effective because of this.

This commercial clearly displays all the aspects of rhetorical analysis and effectively uses logos, pathos, and ethos. It has the greatest emotional appeal, but the audience and context still strongly contribute as well. I think that this was a great commercial to pick and use for our rhetorical analysis project in class and reviewing back on for a journal.

Journal #5

After reading both Sloan's text from our book and the hypertext version, I feel like there are aspects of both texts which I like.

I like the hypertext version because it included pictures, and even though while reading I could visualize the architecture, it was still cool too see. It was effective in the way that I actual got to view the sculpture rather than just a made up depiction in my head. The links didn't bother me either, I've gotten used to reading online, so that wasn't really an issue. 


Although, I liked the version in our writing as revisions book also because it included a personal aspect. I thought that the story of the girl meeting with her father's friend was really important because the reader got to hear a different perspective of what it was like growing up in that time period and surviving through that much. That part of Sloan's story added an emotional aspect and i liked the quoting that she provided. 


For me, both of the texts weren't that hard to understand and were both effective. They both provided basically the same information on the history of LA and the art work. If I had to choose which would be more effective, I think i would have to go with the text in the book. The part with the fathers friend really stood out to me and even though I liked seeing the pictures in the hypertext, one doesn't really need pictures to make a story complete. 
 

Journal 4

At the CESL, I talked to two exchange students, ones name was Jin and the other, Adam. They were both from China and this is their 4^th month in the United States. I thought that it was very interesting talking to them. Having the opportunity to talk to someone so new to our country is not something that happens very often. It was really cool hearing what they had to say and what they liked about America. The first person I talked to was Jin and his English wasn’t so good, so it was hard for me to understand him and for us to communicate. We tried filling out the interview form but ended up just talking most of the time. We talked about China and I asked him about all the places he traveled to and he even taught me how to write my name in Chinese. After talking to Jin, I talked to Adam. Adam was really funny and out going, but it was hard for me to understand him as well. I showed him how Jin taught me to write my name and we pretty much just talked and wrote Chinese characters the rest of the class. Both foreign exchange students said that they really like the US but Arizona was a little hot for them. It was really interesting hearing what they had to say about here and the US and the different life style from there home. I’m glad I got the chance to do something like this. I have a hard time relating my experience in the CESL to the cultural identity in the text. In the CESL we didn’t really talk much about culture, because they had a hard time understanding what I was trying to ask. I would have loved to hear about how they celebrate their holidays and what family aspects are different from how they are here but we mainly talked about superficial things like sports, movies, and tv shows. Still, I really enjoyed getting a chance to talk to Jin and Adam and listening to what they had to say. 

Journal #2 "My Persona Text"

For my persona text, I am using my college essay for the University of Arizona. I wrote it on dance and growing up how it changed me as a person, and might have exaggerated a little too much. Picking out my persona text and looking back on my writing from a year ago made me laugh. Over the past year I have grown so much as a writer and some of the wording I used in my essay to try and impress my audience seems over the top. I think that looking back on this essay and getting a chance to analyze my work a year later really will give me the ability to see how much i have improved.

I can compare my essay to the story "Memory and Imagination". In "Memory and Imagination", the narrator tells a story in very vivid and close detail, but then looking back she realizes that not everything that she originally stated was true and she filled in a lot of blanks with details that "sounded better". When i was writing my college essay, I too filled in blanks that I could not exactly date back to with details that I thought would best please my audience. Now looking back and rereading what i wrote a year ago, i can pick out these details and analyze why i chose to write them.

Journal # 1

Aug. 29, 2010

In 8^th grade, 25 students from my class were selected to take a trip to Israel for 2 weeks. I was one of those 25 students, and little did I know that the journey I was about to embark on was going to change my life. I came home with a new identity, new friendships, and a completely new student with more knowledge that I could have never imagined.

            It was my first time flying by myself and being so far away from my parents. The 25 students and families met at my school and said their final goodbyes as hesitant parents watched the big yellow school bus pull out of the parking lot.  I remember sitting next to my best friend looking out the window watching the images of our smiling families shrink away in the distance. We were so excited together and we could not sit still the whole way to the airport.

            After a long and tiresome plane ride, we arrived in the land of Israel, the moment we had all been waiting for. We met at our partnering school named A.D. Gordon and the delegation families were there waiting for us with open arms. We paired off, excited to meet the people who we would be living with for the next to weeks and took off to their homes.

            Over the course of the next two weeks, the delegation that I was with visited all the landmarks and historical places in Israel. We went everywhere from the city of Tel Aviv, to Haifa, to Jerusalem visiting the Western Wall, the Dead Sea, Masada, and we even stayed over night in a Bedouin tent.

            Growing up at a Jewish day school starting from kindergarten all the way through eighth grade really provided an experience that not many people grow up having. Since I was 5 I learned about the land of Israel and where my ancestors came from. All of my accumulated knowledge over the years summed up to real life when I was actually treated with the ability to visit the land that I had learned so much about. Being at the Western Wall in person and walking the underground most sacred parts of it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and so much different then learning about it in a classroom.

The bonds that I created with my friends and teachers on this trip also changed my life. It was jut something about the land that I cannot describe that brought us closer together and created a bond that will never be broken. I am still friends with most of the people I went on the trip with to this day. I came home with best friends that I never would have associated with and closer relationships with friends that I already had. It really was a chance to meet new people and branch out and even create friendships with teachers and administrators. I learned how the world worked outside of my home and what I was used to. And since I was with my school and the whole purpose was to a learning experience I became a different student.           

            I came home after just a two short weeks as an independent, and stronger young adult with new friends and relationships with teachers that I never thought I would have. To this day I am still thankful for the opportunity I had to embrace such a wonderful journey. It changed me as a whole and was the first major stepping stone into my life contributing to the person I am today.

           

            Writing this journal gave me a second to look back into my life and figure out a time where I truly became myself. I had some trouble pin pointing what would be the best situation to write about but when I landed on my trip to Israel, the rest was easy. I didn’t fictionalize my writing much, once I started describing my trip every thing just flowed. It was a little difficult being brief, since there is so much to be said about the trip and I tried to be descriptive, but left out a lot of detail. I could write pages and pages of the things I did in Israel and how amazing and life changing the trip was for me but I think I summarized the best I could, or tried to at least.